Friday, February 3, 2012

Women in Poetry

Image from here.


We talked about women in my literature class today, as depicted by two Filipino poets Virginia Moreno and Edith Tiempo. Both poems are beautiful in my opinion, and to me give insight on how women live with the standards the world imposes on them.

In Order for Masks, Moreno puts on different masks when facing the different men in her life. For her brother, she orders a mask of "the opposite" "to make nil our old resemblance to each other." For her Father, she orders one like "the chaste face he made" to make him believe it is the same kind. For her lover, she orders one that can "change in shape under his grasping hands." While the idea of putting masks on has been read as deceptive by some guys in glass, I thought it depicted strength in the way women chose deal with the expectations of the men in their lives, almost like as a coping mechanism as a way of achieving order and peace in all her worlds. The mask is her method of quiet defiance; no one really knows what she looks like or is thinking of when she is behind it.


In Speck of Rain Roaring, Tiempo likens the woman to a "string, stretched over rushing wide resonances." I did feel the tension recurring through each of the images she presented, yet consistent throughout was the image of a woman so still, whose continence was unbroken. The things she chose to reference (so subtly I might add) reflect the heaviness she feels with this burden of stillness; Atlas in one, Sisyphus in the next breath. We had a good time trying to decipher how men really felt when women cried. There was one classmate who was so insightful when she said that even in crying, there is a double standard. When women are criers, they are seen as a bit over-dramatic, loony even -- but the idea that a woman so in control of her possessions can shed a single tear is the more troubling and guilt-laden notion for most of the men in our class.


The good thing about these two poems is that they lend themselves to so many different readings. It did make me think about how I myself deal with what is expected of me. It made me think that maybe, instead of feeling melodramatic about not being liked, I must simply deal and put on a mask to facilitate my existence. Maybe it is a woman's adaptability and her willingness to be so that makes her strong.


Order for Masks 
by Virginia R. Moreno


To this harlequinade
I wear black tights and fool's cap
Billiken, make me three bright masks
For the three tasks in my life
Three faces to wear
One after the other
For the three men in my life.


When my Brother comes
Make me one opposite
If he is devil, a saint
With a staff to his fork
And for his horns, a crown.
I hope by contrast
To make nil
Our old resemblance to each other
And my twin will walk me out
Without a frown
Pretending I am another.

When my Father comes
Make me one so like
His child once eating his white bread in trance
Philomela before she was raped.
I hope by likeness
To make him believe this is the same kind
The chaste face he made
And my blind Lear will walk me out
Without a word
Fearing to peer behind.

If my lover comes
Yes, when my Seducer comes
Make for me the face
That will in colors race
The carnival stars
And change in shape
Under his grasping hands.

Make it bloody
When he needs it white
Make it wicked in the dark
Let him find no old mark
Make it stone to his suave touch
This magician will walk me out,
Newly loved
Not knowing why my tantalizing face
Is strangely like the mangled parts of a face
He once wiped out.

Make me three masks.

Speck of Rain Roaring
by Edith K. Tiempo

Ich bin eine Saite                              I am a string,

Uber rauschende breite                    stretched over rushing

Resonanzen gespannt.                      wide resonances.

                        - Rilke                                                  -Rilke

Did she borrow
Her stillness from the chair,
From the book, her drink, the cigarette?
So quiet,
You'd think the other way around,
That it was her self-possession
Settled the chair she sat in,
Enfolded and completed it
With her legs and torso, gouging
A shape that little by little became
Permanent.

For she belonged wherever she was,
Or rather, wherever she was
Belonged to her,
Green calyx around its burden.
The olive nested in her glass.

Even when later he told her: Go,
And do not come back,
It was the capacity to contain herself,
(Atlas, maybe, or Sisyphus)
To hold that rolling rock
Frozen at every locus
On that fickle hill;
To locate herself Pinpoint or
Dust Mote, and the whole
Globe the footstool,
Even when later she dropped
The round tear
That spilled and spilled inside of him,
Sweat in his pores,
Rheum in his eyeballs,
Blood in his eardrums,
Speck of rain roaring,
To swell the water floods,

Even then,
When it was his rage
That gnashed and cut
His own thick tongue.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Progress

Pilgrim's Progress Image from here.

It's been a frantic couple of weeks, but also -- a quiet period for the most part. The holidays were pleasant and almost idyllic, actually; it's been I that has been pushing myself into a rather frenzied state.

I have spent most of the past few weeks cloistered, and writing, always writing. I plodded on with my usual writing assignments and then I did my papers for my school work (the minor ones first). Then, I managed to buckle down and "finish" my first fiction short story so that I could have something to submit for my first ever fiction workshop. As luck would have it, my name was drawn up first and so it was with bated breath and half-eaten nails that I awaited the fate of my work. After all the drama and tension and self-doubt that I had put myself through -- it wasn't all that bad. It was pretty good actually.

Friday, December 30, 2011

Battling Depression - A post within a post

As the title says, this is a post within a post. A few days ago, I was so depressed that though I was holding out for a better blog topic I felt a sudden need to document my depression with a blog post. I did promise whoever was reading (or even just me) that I would be brutally honest about how I went about my life, and unfortunately, depression is a big part of it. I never got around to finishing or publishing the post -- but I am posting the body of it today. I wanted to post it in this context and not as a separate post because I do not want my depression to define me. But I am posting it because if there are other people out there who get depressed as I do -- I want them to know that they are not alone. I don't really have any answers; all I have to offer is the somewhat comforting thought that someone out there is feeling as you are.

Depression - December 28, 2011 11:40PM

Image from here.
I was supposed to have a happy Christmas-type post, but alas, it is now that I am depressed that I find myself with lots of time to write. Or maybe, it is this feeling of being depressed that I need to make sense of. I think in my later life, there are more times when I am depressed than when I am not. I suppose it all boils down to liking the person I am becoming. I can't seem to.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Future

Where are you off to? Image from here.
I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was kept up (in a nightmarish way) by thoughts about the future. I guess when you reach a certain age, the future becomes so close to possible that you feel pressured to measure up to the vision you have of it in your head. 

For instance, it was so much easier to imagine a bright future for yourself when you were fifteen, and there weren't a lot of self-limiting thoughts and hurtful experiences to contend with. Then, when thoughts of the future danced in your head it was all brightness and laughter and fulfillment at living up to your perceived true potential. 

Now, thoughts about the future are more likely to send you running in the opposite direction. Now, when your future is practically in the same breathing room as your present, you are made to understand how your millions of tiny decisions have amalgamated into the drama (or non-drama) that is your life. You are made to face the possibility of mediocrity, and if not that, of failure. You are made to assess the probability that you have turned into the very thing you have been working against.

Friday, October 28, 2011

5 Great Movies to Help You Survive Your Failure


Image from Daily Mail UK
I was out of the house on the day that I found out that I had failed the bar exams. I'm not sure why exactly, but I had a hunch that my name would not be on the list of successful takers when it came out. I had deliberately chosen to attend a seminar about graphic design rather than staying home and waiting for the results there because I wanted to reassure myself of 2 things:

1) That there was a world bigger and more vibrant than the legal bubble that I had been in for the past six years.
2) That I had it in me to take bad news alone and not fall apart (at least not in public).

As two very fabulous graphic artists from Spain spoke about the bright futures one could have in advertising and magazine publishing, I sat alone in the back end of the Ayala Museum, refreshing the Supreme Court website on my phone to find out if the list had been released yet. I did not expect any congratulatory texts from anyone; and though I was incredibly disappointed when my worst fears were confirmed, I held my composure and finished the event without tearing up or breaking down. (I cried finally in a secluded corner of Sala Bistro when my mom called to ask where we were having dinner. My parents had never thought it possible that I would fail and so they had called to congratulate me without actually checking the results. It was only after I had to vocalize it that I broke down. Having to say "I failed" to two people who had never comprehended failure for themselves was one of the hardest things I have ever done. That time was also the first and last time that I let myself cry over failing the bar.)

I was very lucky to have a friend who promised to be with me after the results came out, regardless of whether they were good or bad. Because we both knew that there were no words that could make me feel any better, we (she) decided that we would watch a DVD at her house instead. All I knew at that time was that I did not want to go home and face my parents; at least, not yet.

1. Morning Glory (2010)

Image from worldandfilm

In some sort of happy (not at the time, but now that I think about it) accident, Z chose the movie Morning Glory, a movie about a girl who dreamt of working for The Today Show since she was a child. After being laid off from her local cable news job, her mother tells her to give up her dream before it becomes an embarrassment (after which scene my friend paused the movie and asked if I wanted to continue watching). The story is about how she recovers from her lay-off and how she manages to turn a failing morning news show into one of the highest rating national morning shows.




It didn't magically make me feel ready to take on the world, but it was comforting to watch other people giving life another try. After I saw it, I felt I had enough courage to go home, face my parents, go to sleep, and get out of bed the next day.

----The next films are ones I've seen in the past. They're not all box-office greats or even Oscar-buzz worthy, but I find that they hit the spot for when you feel like you lack the will to try again.

Best I-Will-Get-Through-This Quote:

Jerry Barnes: Day break is under staffed, under funded and whoever works there will be publicly ridiculed, under paid, overworked. Awful.

Becky: I will take it.

Monday, October 3, 2011

firsts

Man's first step on the moon!
 
Firsts are often exhilarating, but as with everything that we try for the first time, they open us up to uncertainty, vulnerability, and the very real possibility of failure.

I myself am trying to recover from a very big failure: my biggest one yet, if I'm being honest.  I wish I could say that I just brushed myself off and started again, like so many inspirational people often do; but I have reacted in exactly the opposite way. Because it was such a colossal failure, it affected me in a completely negative way. It sucked out my will to live. I no longer saw myself as an able and capable person. I no longer saw myself as someone who could make things happen. I found myself wanting for reasons to get up in the morning (some days I literally didn't). I found it hard to look at myself in the mirror. I cut off contact with all friends who knew about my failure, convincing myself that I wouldn't be able to take their pity. I stopped living, literally. Even up to now, as I am typing this, I still feel as though I am existing on auto-pilot. It has been so long since I last felt really, really alive.