As the title says, this is a post within a post. A few days
ago, I was so depressed that though I was holding out for a better blog topic I
felt a sudden need to document my depression with a blog post. I did promise
whoever was reading (or even just me) that I would be brutally honest about how
I went about my life, and unfortunately, depression is a big part of it. I
never got around to finishing or publishing the post -- but I am posting the
body of it today. I wanted to post it in this context and not as a separate
post because I do not want my depression to define me. But I am posting it
because if there are other people out there who get depressed as I do -- I want
them to know that they are not alone. I don't really have any answers; all I
have to offer is the somewhat comforting thought that someone out there is
feeling as you are.
Depression - December
28, 2011 11:40PM
 |
| Image from here. |
I was supposed to have a happy
Christmas-type post, but alas, it is now that I am depressed that I find myself
with lots of time to write. Or maybe, it is this feeling of being depressed
that I need to make sense of. I think in my later life, there are more times
when I am depressed than when I am not. I suppose it all boils down to liking
the person I am becoming. I can't seem to.
I found that I liked myself even less after I allowed myself to browse former law school friends' Facebook pages and confirmed for myself (as if I wasn't sure) how well off (literally and figuratively) they all are. There are those who have acquired every sort of tangible milestone (the fancy bags, the fancy gadgets, the fancy cars, the fancy homes, the fancy trips to destinations I can only dream of), and then there are those who are carving a name for themselves in the legal world. Some of them have gotten married, or are on their way to that step. And here I am, barely making it in grad school, still uncertain if this is where I am meant to be. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others, but I can't help it -- I think this habit of comparing myself to others has been so ingrained in me that I continuously define myself by it. I can only seem to see myself in a sense relative to others. And by those standards, I am in the crapper.
I am so overwhelmed by the
immensity of the inadequacy that I feel. While everyone else is moving on, I
seem to be regressing into a sorry state of helplessness. How could I have gone
from someone who graduated with honors to someone who nearly didn't graduate
from law school to someone who failed the bar to someone who is now merely
getting by (or attempting to) in grad school? How could I be this person who
barely has the means to support myself?
In my mind, there is this idea
that I can easily remedy the situation by simply sucking it up and finding a
job somewhere -- anywhere. I may not have been smart enough to become a lawyer
(or at least not yet), but there are some areas where I am still more than
capable. And yet, here I am, feeling around for something to make of myself
again. Beginning on another uncertain path, yet with each step feeling even
more uncertain than when I began.
Why doesn't this path of grad
school feel more right? Why is it so hard for me to begin writing all of a
sudden? Should it feel more correct or am I to decide and it shall be so? Am I
merely comforting myself with the idea that I could get a good job if I decided
I was ready for it? Or am I doomed to mediocrity by my own indecision and
laziness? All questions, no answers. As always. There are days when I wonder
what is the point of it all?
I am no longer as depressed as I was that night - but I am still uncertain. Today was a good day though, or at the very least, a better one. In the span of a few hours, I was able to write half a month's worth of content and a week's worth of stories. Now, if only the plot for my writing assignment would stop eluding me, I would be out of this funk for good. I want to believe that I am capable of doing things that I want to do, when I want to do them. But sometimes, it just feels so damned impossible to imagine. But I will fight on. I can still feel the fight inside of me.
No comments:
Post a Comment