Progress

Pilgrim's Progress Image from here.

It's been a frantic couple of weeks, but also -- a quiet period for the most part. The holidays were pleasant and almost idyllic, actually; it's been I that has been pushing myself into a rather frenzied state.

I have spent most of the past few weeks cloistered, and writing, always writing. I plodded on with my usual writing assignments and then I did my papers for my school work (the minor ones first). Then, I managed to buckle down and "finish" my first fiction short story so that I could have something to submit for my first ever fiction workshop. As luck would have it, my name was drawn up first and so it was with bated breath and half-eaten nails that I awaited the fate of my work. After all the drama and tension and self-doubt that I had put myself through -- it wasn't all that bad. It was pretty good actually.

Battling Depression - A post within a post

As the title says, this is a post within a post. A few days ago, I was so depressed that though I was holding out for a better blog topic I felt a sudden need to document my depression with a blog post. I did promise whoever was reading (or even just me) that I would be brutally honest about how I went about my life, and unfortunately, depression is a big part of it. I never got around to finishing or publishing the post -- but I am posting the body of it today. I wanted to post it in this context and not as a separate post because I do not want my depression to define me. But I am posting it because if there are other people out there who get depressed as I do -- I want them to know that they are not alone. I don't really have any answers; all I have to offer is the somewhat comforting thought that someone out there is feeling as you are.

Depression - December 28, 2011 11:40PM

Image from here.

I was supposed to have a happy Christmas-type post, but alas, it is now that I am depressed that I find myself with lots of time to write. Or maybe, it is this feeling of being depressed that I need to make sense of. I think in my later life, there are more times when I am depressed than when I am not. I suppose it all boils down to liking the person I am becoming. I can't seem to.

The Future

Where are you off to? Image from here.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I was kept up (in a nightmarish way) by thoughts about the future. I guess when you reach a certain age, the future becomes so close to possible that you feel pressured to measure up to the vision you have of it in your head. 

For instance, it was so much easier to imagine a bright future for yourself when you were fifteen, and there weren't a lot of self-limiting thoughts and hurtful experiences to contend with. Then, when thoughts of the future danced in your head it was all brightness and laughter and fulfillment at living up to your perceived true potential. 

Now, thoughts about the future are more likely to send you running in the opposite direction. Now, when your future is practically in the same breathing room as your present, you are made to understand how your millions of tiny decisions have amalgamated into the drama (or non-drama) that is your life. You are made to face the possibility of mediocrity, and if not that, of failure. You are made to assess the probability that you have turned into the very thing you have been working against.